A part of ME

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When my serendipitous friend honored me by asking me to write for his widely read blog, he asked me to write about an event that changed my life forever.
That’s some friend, asking me to delve into the darkest of spaces in my life.
Ahh !
Only if we hadn’t met.
But I am glad we did.

It’s very tough to come to terms with bad marks when you’ve been a topper throughout while growing up. And I didn’t just get bad marks, I failed.
And things could never just improve afterwards.
11th,12th and then the fateful engineering.
Mind you, I scored 80% in 12th which in 2008 was still a pretty decent score but it wasn't enough.
I had to wait 2 days before my parents spoke to me.

Expectations make you sensitive and mercurial. I learned it the very hard way.

But the worst was yet to come.

4 years of engineering started with a sense of freedom as I had taken admission in an engineering college in Indore, but the charm of that faded briskly and in a month of starting I was restless and wanted to go back home.
The food was miserable and the discipline with which I as brought up felt archaic and totally unwanted.
I changed my hostel frequently, fought with my father a lot so much so that we didn’t talk for almost 6 months.

Wait, I feel like I am making him sound like really bad but he was just being a father.
A middle class father who earned everything by toiling day and night and was naturally afraid of the dreams his son was conjuring. And I failed to make him believe in me and my dreams. I was perhaps equally to blame for it as I could never convince myself to be assertive enough. May be I wasn’t sure myself.

What makes my engineering more interesting is that I tried to commit suicide when I was in the 2nd year.
Interesting not because it was exciting or fun but that incident told me nothing is ever bad enough to end your life.
An incident never changes your life.
There’re always a chain of events that happen and you have that epiphany, you get that perspective about life which otherwise would’ve taken you years.
It’s when you decide to do. To act. To be happy.
This is what I did.

But first the failed suicide attempt.
I am so good that I got pretty awesome at failing as well.

I was in the flat which I was sharing when I saw a box of medicines. All kind of pills.
I’m off them now though ;)
I could see all my problems going away. I could see peace, the white light. It meant the end of my suffering.
I opened the box, took a handful of them and just gulped. Then another handful. I don't even remember how many I took but they were a lot and I just fell.
I don’t remember much afterwards but I was taken to a hospital and fortunately survived.

Nothing much changed even after that as well to be honest. But my father understood the fear of losing ( I’d like to think that ;) ) and it was then I decided.

Robert Downey Jr battled drug abuse and alcoholism throughout his youth but somehow managed to get over them to become the highest paid actor in the world. He was asked how did he got over the drugs and alcohol and he answered it a matter of fact way.
He said it’s very easy to do something, be it good or bad, the hard thing is to decide that you want to. And when you want to, you just do.

I don’t exactly remember when I decided for myself but I decided that I’d be happy.
I’d be happy in the good times and the bad times.
But it doesn't mean I’d shun the other emotions.
No, it meant that I’d face them with a smile. 
It doesn't mean I’d not cry but I will emerge stronger after wiping off my tears.
I’d be wittier, funnier and lively more than ever.

And that has been my story ever since.
I am successful in ways that are envious to a few.
I have a sarkari naukri with super charming good looks, and yes I’m self-obsessed as well.
I consistently crack exams and clear your top colleges but do not go because I know its not the solution or what I am seeking for. It certainly will give me the society’s nod but kuch too log kahenge, logon ka karma hai kehna.
Then why do I give them?
Because it satiates my ego and makes me feel better. Yes, I have my flaws, in fact a lot of them but as long as I do not hurt anybody knowingly in my course, I’d be happy.

And if you’re reading then I need your utmost focus now.

And I have a passion as well which I think means more than any job or designation.

I am crazy about films. I eat, drink, sleep, %*#$ films.

Films make me smile, they make me happy and never ever in your life give up on things and most importantly people who make you smile. Never ever.

I am still trying to muster the courage to follow my dreams. I don't know how I am going to do it but I am not ready to give up. 



To be continued……

 P.S.: to know how I met Abhishek Kshirsagar, read It's all about the attitude....

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